Virtue Beads

I stole this idea from a dear friend of mine during a passionate parenting conversation - you know the conversation. I can't take credit for the complete idea, but I made some tweaks for our family and to make it our own.

We are trying out a new system for positive reinforcement for Good, Christian behavior.

The gist is the girls can earn colored beads for quality demonstrations of virtuous behavior. After earning enough beads, they will receive a reward.

Through a couple of family meetings, together we created a list of virtues (14 in all right now, but there's always room for change). Some examples include Generosity, Peace, Courage, Prayerfulness, Obedience etc. We drew from the biblical Fruits of the Spirit and Catholic Virtues and also used the books God's Wisdom for Little Girls and A Little Girl After God's Own Heart, both by Elizabeth George (there are boy versions of these books). Then, as a family, we defined each virtue. The girls were very active in this part and we used their language as much as possible in the definitions so they understood what was expected of them. Next to the definition we included a Bible verse or two for reference on the virtue....mostly so they could see the expectations were coming from an authority beyond their parents. Each virtuous behavior was then assigned a different colored bead.

I found some small treasure chests at Michael's for $1 each. My friend uses baby food jars, but I like the symbolism of "God's Treasures". The girls enjoyed decorating their boxes. I suppose the shape of the depository is the least important part of this exercise, but we had fun with it anyway.

Now, the girls can earn the appropriate colored bead for exhibiting virtuous behavior. For example, choosing to not tattle on a sister will earn a Peace bead, or responding "yes, mom" instead of whining will earn a Respect or Self-Control bead. We have a goal of earning 20 beads in order to earn a reward.

The girls also helped to create the reward choices. The only rules were that the rewards could not cost money and they had to go along with encouraging positive values - hopefully illustrating correlation between living a virtuous life and the real rewards it brings. So, a piece of candy or going out for ice cream was not an acceptable reward for this exercise. Instead, they have choices like going for walk with their choice of mom or dad, playing their choice of a board game with the family, or taking a special trip to the library. They are very excited about their reward choices and can't wait to earn their beads.

From a parenting point of view, we expect this exercise to challenge us a bit. Micah asked during one of the family meetings if beads could be taken away. My thought was "no, not for this exercise." There are plenty of opportunities for punishment and negative consequences as it is. This is strictly a positive exercise. However, we realize these behaviors will need to be taught. So, if we witness a missed opportunity to earn a bead, we can teach them and practice the behavior that would have been more appropriate so they are better prepared for the next time a similar situation comes up. This exercise is also going to force us to look for good behavior which isn't always easy in all the chaos.

Everyone is very excited and the girls are well on their way toward more virtuous behavior. Even #3 at 20 months old is earning beads for little things like not ripping a toy from her sister's hand and screaming "MINE". Even if she doesn't quite get it now, she will eventually and her sisters certainly get it. I hope just hope it sticks and we have one more working tool in parenting tool belt.

Lessons for Daughters....and Sons

I haven't been able to find the original author of this, but I like it anyway.

"We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her, and a man who compliments her.
A man who spends money on her, and a man who invests in her.
A man who views her as property, and a man who views her properly.
A man who lusts after her, and a man who loves her.
A man who believes he is God's gift to women, and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man.
... And then teach our boys to be that kind of a man."

Labor Day Weekend

Micah and I were able to enjoy an adults only getaway for the Labor Day weekend. It couldn't have been a more perfect storm of circumstances for us.

We were invited to a wedding in the Wine Country of California. That weekend happened to coincide with our 8th wedding anniversary and San Francisco is the city where we lived when our relationship began. It also marked 9 weeks out from the birth of our fourth child, meaning we may not have another opportunity for alone time for quite some time. #1 not only had Labor Day off from school, but also the following day due to an in-service making an extra long weekend for her. My parents graciously agreed to take our three girls and our three dogs so that we could enjoy the 5 days. It also was marked as our last vacation on schedule before our vacation hiatus beginning in the next calendar year. Honestly, could it have been any more perfect?

Before I share how much fun we had, I just have to share this awesome story. We were married less than a week before my birthday. So, I just happened to be on my honeymoon for my birthday that year....darn the luck! On my birthday, in Rio de Janeiro, Micah gave me a platinum and diamond necklace. I think he really wanted to spoil me that year, because I really haven't had a birthday to top that one since. Then, about three years ago, I was at my cousin's wedding and lost that necklace. Needless to say, we turned everything upside-down. We searched all of the luggage, all of our belongings and everything we could think of for months. I figured I must have left it in the hotel room and called the hotel, but they never found it. I was heartbroken. In the last three years, we've traveled quite a bit using the same luggage. In the days leading up to packing for our Labor Day trip, I overheard someone mention St. Anthony, finder of lost things. The only thing of any real significance that I've lost was that necklace, so it popped into my mind. I said a quick prayer, but honestly had little faith in the matter since I had prayed and searched for months without luck. It was more of a fleeting thought than a genuine plea. I didn't think of it again. As I was packing my family of five for our days away, I saw something tucked into our toiletry bag. I instantly knew what it was before I even reached in to take it out and my eyes welled up with tears and I literally had goosebumps up and down my arms. I texted Micah a picture of it immediately and I think he may have fell out of his chair. I found my necklace nearly 8 years to the day it was given to me!!! Thank you thank you thank you!! I have barely taken it off since.

Back to our trip: We stayed at a little bed and breakfast on a farm in the Napa/Sonoma area for a few nights. We toured wineries and bought some wine to enjoy after the baby comes. We enjoyed a pre-wedding 5K run the couple organized for guests. I did run and I did not come in last...a feat that made me very proud. The wedding was at a winery and was gorgeous. We also found a gorgeous winery called Castello di Amorosa which had a Sunday morning Mass in Latin. I was supposed to wear a veil, but didn't have one and was thankful they allowed me in anyway. There was a chorus of young girls and a monk who chanted in Latin throughout and it echoed through the stone walls beautifully. It really was a beautiful Mass and we asked the priest for an anniversary blessing which he gladly gave. As for weather, we enjoyed high temps in the 90's (a great relief from Phoenix which was 110 at the time) and lows in 50s.

We then drove to San Francisco to stay for 24 hours. We enjoyed the downtown area, a little beach time, visiting my Alma Mater and trying new restaurants. The weather in the City was even colder which made us oh, so happy.

The real highlights of the weekend were the simple things

- eating meals alone together and being able to get through entire conversations without interruption.

- holding hands without little people between us

- stealing kisses without little people screaming "eeewwww"

- working through goals and plans

- practicing photography without being rushed

- sleeping in

I think we came back a little more refreshed and renewed which was great because we hit the ground running when we got home.

The girls also had a great time visiting their extended family in Tucson. Since my mom is extremely busy herself having two kids still at home, work and involvement in various groups, they were on the go all weekend. They didn't nap and they were up early every morning to get to something or other. However, they thought it was so much fun because most of their activities involved, cousins, aunts, great-grandma, helping out, visiting people and lots of swimming thrown in between. When they got home, they were absolutely exhausted and slept great for us.

I think Labor Day weekend, 2011 is one for the books for all of us.